Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize