Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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