I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
