the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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