My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
