i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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