I am puke
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
