My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I sprained my soul last night
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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