i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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