What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
