Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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