Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
They took my balls.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
