Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
