I'm lost and stupid without you.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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