My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Randomize
