I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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