Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
