So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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