I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
