there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My vagina is officially offended.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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