then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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