I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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