you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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