singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
