my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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