I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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