They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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