he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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