TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
