every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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