dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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