I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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