my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
false alarm, still single
try to milk me bitch
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
