Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
