The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
