Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
