just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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