Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
