Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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