once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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