I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
