You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
