She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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