eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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