he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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