my phone needs a breathalizer
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
