omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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