he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
