Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
it's great music for shaving your balls
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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