Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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