I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I would ride that face into the sunset
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
