U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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