My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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