He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
