So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
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he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
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You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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