The maid of honor just puked.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
