garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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